The Tooth Fairy: My Two Cents

Since I have managed not to lose any teeth for about thirty five years or so now, it has admittedly been some time since I gave the Tooth Fairy more than a passing thought. That has all changed, however, as she has suddenly become a hot topic at our place. Owen has been losing teeth at an alarming rate these past weeks, leading us to conclude either that he desperately wants to be a realistic looking jack o' lantern for Halloween or is secretly a crystal meth addict. I suppose an alternative explanation is that he is six years old.

Anyway, maybe its the economic times, maybe its that I recall my own youth through rose-colored glasses, or maybe the old girl is simply getting up their in years, but the quality of the Tooth Fairy's operation appears to me to have fallen off dramatically in these past three plus decades. Specifically, two out of the last three teeth Owen has lost took an alarming two nights for the Tooth Fairy to collect. This has put Deanna and I in the uncomfortable position of having to cover the Tooth Fairy's ass with made-up explanations to a crushed six-year old. After the first failure to appear, we used the "there must have been a ton of kids losing teeth yesterday and she just couldn't make it to every one's house in one night" excuse. A few weeks later, following yet another lost tooth and yet another inexcusable first night failure to appear, we were forced to reach a little more, actually suggesting that "maybe the Tooth Fairy doesn't work on weekends." Sure, that one smacks a little bit of desperation but how the hell are we supposed to know why she didn't show up.

I thought sure the Internet would yield some clues, but my on-line research on what may be going on with the Tooth Fairy failed to turn much up. My assumption was that she would at least have a website with contact information and an on-line Tooth Fairy visitation request form, or maybe some FAQ's about pick-up times, etc. Not finding her website, I then thought that at least I could find some speculation, news stories or discussion boards on what kind of problems the Tooth Fairy may be dealing with - union work slowdown, tough divorce, budget cutbacks, torn wing muscles, that sort of thing. Miraculously though, it appears that even in this information-driven age, the Tooth Fairy is able to operate under the same veil of secrecy she always has.

Rather than risk further disappointment, I have now laid in a supply of those awesome new presidential $1 gold-colored coins. Interestingly, I was only able to get my hands on James Polk and John Tyler coins, as apparently the coins with A-list presidents are saved for more prestigious institutions than our humble local bank. For those of you who are surprised that I was getting $1 coins, $1 appears to be the going Tooth Fairy reimbursement rate these days. Considering that Tooth Fairy reimbursement rates appear to have outstripped inflation since my childhood by the same approximate rate as college-tuition rate increases, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that the Tooth Fairy was in dire financial straits, especially considering that the secondary-market in used children's teeth can't be great in this economy (or, frankly, at any time). If financial struggles are what is driving her delays, who can blame her for taking a little extra time to pick up teeth - when you think of all the additional interest she could earn on all her dollar coins by routinely delaying tooth pick-ups by a day or two, it boggles the mind.

With my supply of Polks and Tylers in hand, I am now ready to step up should the Tooth Fairy inexplicably fail to appear yet again. Crazy as it sounds, I might take a similar cautionary approach come Christmas by laying in some gifts to give from Santa, just in case he, in his similarly inscrutable fashion, decides not to show up. The look on one crestfallen child's face has been bad enough, and I imagine three crestfallen faces might just break my heart in two.

Cupcakes and Firetrucks

Hayden and Cooper commenced their educational careers today at their very first session of two-day a week pre-school. They were little bundles of nervous anticipation and excitement this morning, as we made our way the two long blocks to school. Typical boys, most of their pre-arrival questions centered around whether there would be a bathroom at the school and whether they would be getting anything to eat. Cooper's specific inquiry when he was informed there would be snacks, spoken in his most hopeful tone, was "Donuts???". As luck would have it, his wish was not that far off, as it was a classmates birthday right off the bat, resulting in cupcakes for the class at snack time. Score!!

Upon our eventual arrival at school, they both made a bee-line for the bathroom , so most of our pre-class time was spent in there while Cooper took care of number 1 and Hayden took care of number 2. While accompanying them, I was able to answer their usual press conference-like onslaught of bathroom questions, including classics such as why there are sinks in bathrooms, why we wash our hands with soap and warm water, and why some paper towels come out automatically and some toilets flush automatically and some don't, and, of course, the all-time most asked favorite, where do the poop and pee-pee go when they are flushed. They seemed no less fascinated at my answer to this last question at the school than they have been the 10,000 times they have asked me that same question at home. While modern plumbing systems are indeed amazing, especially when measured against human history as it relates to sewage, I really don't think it is that much more amazing than say, a microwave oven cooking food (something I frankly wouldn't be so hot at explaining (pun intended)). It strikes me now as I am writing this that my little teaching lesson in the bathroom was actually their first in-school student experience.

Anyway, we made it out of the bathroom just in time for parents to be kicked out of the classroom and after kisses goodbye, we left them happily playing with toy firetrucks. When asked what the two best parts of his school day were later, Hayden replied "cupcakes and firetrucks." To my two littlest guys, your proud dad wishes you many, many cupcake and firetruck days in your school career and in life. Godspeed.