Times Up, Pencils Down. Please Hand in Your Votes

We here at CloudEight are projecting an Obama victory Tuesday, with Obama getting 51.8% of the popular vote, compared to McCain's 47.3%. We are able to make such a confident projection after Obama trounced McCain in voting by grade schoolers throughout our local school district, besting him by an almost 2 to 1 margin and winning in all three grade schools in town. This result was then fed into a sophisticated computer program developed with the able assistance of a junior-high kid CloudEight keeps on retainer for special projects such as this. The program is able to extrapolate the local grade-school results into nationwide results using census data, other math stuff, and 11 secret herbs and spices. While I am confident the grade school election results have yielded accurate data upon which to make our prediction, I am mildly concerned that the model is projecting that SpongeBob SquarePants, Miley Cyrus and Iron Man will split the remaining 1%. While it appears there may be some minor kinks to work out for 2012, our projection has a margin of error of just +/- 1/2%.

Interestingly, the margin of victory for Obama in Owen's kindergarten class was 20-3; even bigger then the districtwide margin. It was actually 19-4 until Mikey wisely decided he didn't want to throw his lot in with a loser and switched his vote - an insightful peek inside the head of the independent voter perhaps?

The grade school campaigns of the candidates appeared to be based around only three pieces of information - all critical in winning the all-important youth vote. So, while Owen may not be able to detail the finer points of the candidates' economic policies, he can tell you their favorite hobby (Obama = basketball, McCain = hiking), favorite books (Obama = Harry Potter, McCain = "some book about King Arthur") and favorite food (Obama=chili, McCain=tacos). In these answers we can see the reflections of the candidates. Basketball, a youthful, urban sport that emphasizes teamwork but allows the most talented to shine brighter than the rest and to even become superstars. Hiking, trying to be youthful, but a bit obscure and old fashioned seeming; eliciting images of McCain holding a walking stick, dressed in German alpine clothing while he trudges alone through meadows high in the Alps. Chili, a bold and spicy yet substantive food. Tacos, a food that could not seem less "McCain" like, eliciting suspicions of political pandering. Obama digging Harry Potter, perhaps seeing a bit of himself in Harry, the unlikely longshot hero with the funny hair/name, who, thrust from relative obscurity onto a broader stage, suddenly finds himself burdened with the outsized expectations of some and the target of insecure jealousy of others. While picking a book that has sold a gazillion copies may have been designed by Obama to counteract charges that he is "elitist", it was also a risky move that could have backfired if conservatives had been able to make hay out of an argument that Obama identifies himself with the elitist "wizards" and looks down with condescension on the Muggles who are clinging to God and guns in their desperate non-wizarding lives. McCain, King Arthur, again we see the political pandering ("Hey, I'm the next Camelot, not that one over there!") and general out of touchness (assuming that touchness is even a word).

It is too bad the schools did not ask the candidates the really tough questions, like what their favorite color is. Think about it. While Obama might have been tempted to go with red, a youthful and energetic color, it is also the color associated, rightly or wrongly, with Republican states. Would choosing red then result in charges of political pandering? But would choosing blue be playing it too safe, exciting your base while doing little to energize those in the middle. The logical choice then, is purple, the color of the all important independents. How about favorite sport? Would McCain have transparently sucked up to the all important grade school election demographic of males age 5-11 by choosing NASCAR.

While these and many other tough questions remain unanswered, it is time, at last, to go to the polls, cast our votes, and, hope for the best, visions of Quiddich as a demonstration sport at the 2016 Chicago Olympics dancing in our heads. See you on the other side of history.