French Post

4-year old Cooper, during our Tilapia dinner the other night: "I want to eat candy for dessert, but I don't want to eat the fish."

Deanna: "Sorry Cooper, the world doesn't work that way."

Cooper: "Maybe yours doesn't, but mine does."

Deanna, in her most world-weary Mom-voice: "I don't know what world you are living in then."

4-year old Hayden: "Yeah, Cooper, where do you live, France???"

I am not shy about my opinion that France makes an awesomely funny punch line to almost any joke, and am glad to see the little guys picking up the concept and running with it. Je suis tellement fière.

CloudEight Comedy Club

Deanna bravely takes the stage at CloudEight Comedy Club and finds it as punishing as I do:

"Deanna: Two monkeys named Pete and Repeat are sitting in a tree. Pete falls out. Who's left?
Cooper: There's one left.
Hayden: Yeah, one.
Deanna: No, Pete and Repeat are monkeys sitting in a tree. Pete falls out....
Owen: No, they are in a boat. Pete falls into the water.
Deanna: What would monkeys be doing in a boat? They are in a tree.
Hayden: One guy falls into the water. Splash.
Cooper: One guy falls out of the tree and hurts himself on the ground?
Owen: Mom, they don't even know what repeat means anyway."

Undaunted, she tries again later, but finds literalism a tough hurdle:

"Deanna: Knock, knock.
Owen: Who's there?
Deanna: Turnip.
Owen: Turnip who?
Deanna: Turnip the TV.
Owen: But the TV isn't even on."

Owen isn't the only literalist in the house. One day, Cooper and I are examining a map of Africa:

"Cooper: Dad, what country is that?
RedPlanet: That's Madagascar.
Cooper: Is that where gas cars come from?"

The Continuing Adventures of RedPlanet: Kiddie Comedian, Part IV

New reader Christina in Aurora, Illinois sent me the following joke:

"Me: Knock, knock;
Miscellaneous child: Who's there?
Me: Banana.
Misc. Child: Banana who?
Me: Knock, knock.
Misc. Child: Who's there?
Me: Banana.
Misc. Child: Banana who?
Me: Knock, knock.
Misc. Child: Who's there?
Me: Orange.
Misc. Child: Orange who?
Me: Orange you glad I didn't say Banana again?"

A classic to be sure. And, unlike my previous jokes, it actually resulted in gales of laughter from the boys when I told it. Unfortunately, unlike the others, it did not result in any sort of amusing or otherwise interesting comments on their part. They merely made me repeat the joke another sixteen times, laughing hard each time.

Since then, however, they have been working this joke into their own comedy routines (such as they are), each putting their own indelible stamp on it. Their variations, with some of the repetition removed as indicated in brackets, are as follows:

The Owen Variation:

Owen: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Owen: Banana.
Me: Banana who?
[Repeat again]
Owen: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Owen: Orange.
Me: Orange who?
Owen: Aren't you glad I didn't say Banana again.
Me: Dude, it's "orange" you glad!
Owen: Oh yeah, yeah. Knock knock ..."

The Cooper Variation: Cooper does the traditional set-up but will repeat the banana section over and over and over. Literally, like eight times, chuckling all the while at the hilarity to come. Then, he hits you with his signature ending:

"Cooper: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Cooper: Banana.
Me: Banana who?
Cooper: Aren't you glad I didn't say orange again [bellylaughs]."

I wish I could say that Cooper is purposely switching up the traditional ending with his own non sequitur ending, but it seems clear that he believes he is telling the joke verbatim. No future in stand-up for this one, as he seems to have inherited both mine and Deanna's awkward comedic timing and poor joke memory retention.

The Hayden Variation: Hayden, who has never been shy about working blue, does the traditional set-up followed by this killer ending:

"Hayden: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Hayden: Banana.
Me: Banana who?
Hayden: Banana Poopyhead! [bellylaughs]."

And so it goes.

The Continuing Adventures of RedPlanet: Kiddie Comedian, Part III

Truthfully, I have a terrible memory for jokes, and never seem to get around to mining the Internet for good kids jokes. Oh yeah, and ya'll haven't helped matters by not sending any in this month. Anyway, for this installment of the CloudEight Comedy Club, I had to resort to the only joke everyone can remember, and which isn't even funny under the best of circumstances.

Me: "Joke time guys. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Cooper: "What chicken Dad, what chicken??? Where is that chicken???"

Me: "Nowhere Cooper, its just a joke; a pretend chicken."

Cooper: "Oh."

Me: "So, why did the chicken cross the road?"

Owen: "I don't know, why."

Me: "To get to the other side."

[Silence; blank looks]

Me: "Its like the world's oldest joke."

[Owen shrugs]

Hayden: "I'm going to follow that chicken."

The guys then began to lay their own jokes on me, all of them knock-knock jokes, all of them involving gibberish, and all of them ending with one of two punchlines - "Putt-putt man" or "Poopyhead" - either one guaranteed to leave the other two brothers in stitches. Oy.

The Continuing Adventures of RedPlanet: Kiddie Comedian, Part II

This month's joke comes from dedicated Cloud Eight fan Gail. Thanks Gail! Your complimentary Cloud Eight logo mug is in the mail.

Me: "OK guys, I've got another joke."

[vague looks of anticipation]

Me: "What is brown and sticky???

Cooper: "Uhhhh..."

Me: "Any guesses?"

Owen: "A horse?"

Me: "Any other guesses, brown and sticky???"

Hayden: "Brown tape?"

Owen: "How about a butt??"

Me: "No, a STICK."

[Blank looks]

Owen: "Sticks aren't sticky. Oooohhhh."

Cooper: "How about a candle?"

Really, this was pretty good material, so now I am starting to think the problem must lie with my delivery. I guess I will have to refine the routine a bit before I start taking those birthday party gigs.