Table Talk

Deanna was out tonight so the boys took the opportunity to lobby me to make my signature Dad meal - grilled cheese, tomato soup and apple-sauce with cinnamon-sugar sprinkled on top. As we neared the end of our sumptuous feast, talk turned to the future. After our recent spring-break trip to Coronado Island near San Diego, Deanna and I had declared to the boys that as soon as they were out of college, we would be moving to Coronado and that given the price of real estate there, we would be unlikely to have room for them. I took this opportunity to back off this declaration a bit - and not just because after putting three kids through college, we are unlikely to be able to afford more than maybe a couple feet of dumpster space on Coronado. I also felt that the kids, being younger, needed the security of knowing we weren't just going to pick up and leave, regardless of what they were up to. Families should stay close to each other, I declared, comfortingly telling them we would be living here except for a couple of months each winter.

They seemed to have already taken this families should stay close to each other point to heart, as all three informed me they would be moving to California with us. Hayden, who has inexplicably become an Oakland A's fan, told me that while he would be living in Coronado with us, he would be spending his vacations in Oakland. That kid is in for a sad shock. Owen, on the other hand, had obviously given the matter some thought, and cited several advantages to California living. While many might cite the weather, Owen is attracted by the fact that if whatever California baseball team he decides to root for starts to tank, he will have plenty of other California teams to choose from. He also likes the fact that California is big enough that he can vacation in different climates without leaving the State - in, say, Oakland for instance. After mulling things over for another minute, though, Owen went back to his long-time plan of building and living in a log cabin in the backyard of his best friend Jack, since Jack has informed him he will not be leaving home after college (heads up Lisette and Brad - not only will you be unable to unload one of your own kids, you will be apparently acquiring one of ours! You may want to talk to me about the aforementioned "Coronado Plan").

I then asked the guys how many kids they were going to have. Cooper - none, because he doesn't like girls, kissing is gross, and because kids would interfere with his plans to play Wii all day. He added that the only girls he really liked were his mom, cousins, and his grandmothers. Sounds like a prime candidate to be living with us for the indefinite future, since I am reasonably sure having a "job" would also interfere with said plan to play Wii all day. Owen - zero or one kids; maybe just a pet. Hayden - 20 kids. He will literally need a bus for those family vacations to Oakland. He subsequently scaled this back to 14 or 15 kids and later, out of earshot of his girl-hating brothers, confided to me the names of some of the young ladies in town he has his eye on to bear his 14 to 20 children. Rather than name names here, I will individually warn you mothers in town whose daughters risk a future of being almost constantly pregnant with nothing to look forward to between pregnancies other than bus trips to Oakland. Well, I will name one name - unfortunately another heads up to Lisette and Brad - he has his eye on your daughter!

Milk-Post

So, let's say you are employed as a marketing consultant by the Midwest Dairy Association. The Association rings you up one day and asks you to come up with an idea to increase the health profile of chocolate milk. Charged with this task, would you, in a million years, come up with the idea to try to position chocolate milk as the new Gatorade? And, assuming you took such an ambitious tack in your assignment, would you decide that the best way to position chocolate milk as the new Gatorade would be to create a fictional race of small green stuffed monsters, called ChocoNoGos, and to spread the word that ChocoNoGos are "a group of creatures that live to sabotage athletic performance by draining athletes of nutrients" and that these creatures "hate physical consistency, excellence and chocolate milk"? No? You wouldn't? Well obviously you are not thinking far enough out of the box to be a highly paid (or perhaps soon to be unemployed) marketing consultant.

From the annals of failed marketing campaigns I bring you "ChocoNoGo."

For those of you who are without the means to clink on the foregoing link to watch this video in all its glory, it features athletes who are flagging in their performance. Why? Well, quite obviously because they are chocolate milk deprived - that devious little devil ChocoNoGo is up to his usual tricks! Now right off you can see that this is a dubious premise. I mean this whole convoluted reverse psychology idea that a lack of chocolate milk is what will prevent athletes from achieving good performance is illogical and vague and simply makes no sense. Did they really think they would be able to convince anyone but the most gullible athletes to reach for the chocolate milk instead of water or gatorade following a workout? Oy. The fact that this video link has only had 200 something views should give you a clue. And what is up with the narrator? What kind of accent is that supposed to be?

Speaking of gullible, however, ChocoNoGo could not be a bigger star among the 5 - 8 year old demographic here at RedPlanet. At the State Fair a couple of years ago, a Midwest Dairy Association representative (or a carnie, I can't remember which) handed the boys a stuffed ChocoNoGo. In the ensuing months, the boys would fight over him all the time for some mysterious reason. When the boys insisted to us that he was actually called ChocoNoGo and Deanna and I did not believe them, we found the video, and this other video, (the English angle the Association decided to pursue in this one is puzzling as well), both of which the boys have delighted in watching numerous times. In fact, I would wager that our house alone accounts for approximately 5% of the total views of these ChocoNoGo videos. Still, it is one thing to race around the house yelling ChocoNoGo at each other, and quite another to actually demand a thermos full of chocolate milk to bring along to your little league game so you can really maximize your athletic performance. The latter demand has yet to happen, by the way, despite the boy's love of ChocoNoGo. Nor has the peak athletic performance happened either though? Hmmm. Worth a try? Could Owen's little league teams 2-9 record in reality be due to a ChocoNoGo infestation???? Drink for thought indeed.