Owencyclopedia

RedPlanet in the house! Today, loyal reader, finds me fast approaching my 49th consecutive ride on this roller coaster around the Sun. This, as I see it, will move me at last out of my "middle 40's" and solidly into my "late middle 40's."

 

I've realized a lot of things in recent years, as the sands of life continue to shift beneath my feet. One thing I have learned for sure is that I actually know very little. Sure, I continue to learn things here and there, but my accumulated knowledge amounts to pretty much nil in the grand scheme of things.

 

Thankfully, though, there is no deficit of knowledge here on CloudEight, thanks to having our own living, breathing Owencyclopedia, or "Owen," as we call it for short. We've had it for 12 years now, but only recently learned that it knows everything. Maybe it always knew everything, although I appear to recall that it asked a lot of questions of me in the past, an apparent acknowledgment that it still had things to learn. This is clearly no longer the case, as I am reminded on a daily basis, as it now makes loud and assertive declarations of "fact" about almost any subject at the drop of a hat.  A sampling of the knowledge we are regularly blessed with:

• Every product made by Apple is incredibly awesome, and every electronic product made by anyone else is terrible by comparison;
• Plays are boring;
• The movie, regardless of which movie it is, is never as good as the book [this may be actual fact!];
• Our other two kids are stupid and annoying;
• Math will rarely, if ever, be needed in real life;
• AT&T is horrible, worst DSL provider eeeeeevvvvvver;
• The reason the internet is slow at our house is because I, Owencyclopedia, have never heard of the brand of router you bought;
• That song sucks and should be turned off. Now;
• The Owencyclopedia did not lose [insert almost any noun]; somebody must have taken it;
• That car is awesome, while that other one is decidedly not;
• The Owencyclopedia is not tired.

The Owencyclopedia provides succinct and frank movie reviews, and only needs to see a trailer to tell you if it has any merit, rates how funny various insurance commercials are, and has identified Jay Cutler as the source of the Bears suckiness. The Owencyclopedia can even predict the future, as it seems 100% sure the Cubs will still suck this year (although some would argue that is a pretty safe bet in any year!).

 

We are indeed truly blessed to have such an easily accessed resource right here in the house. Gone are my days of cumbersome Google searches, internet research, or old-fashioned manual reading of books. The Owencyclopedia is voice-activated, and often even provides facts that aren't even solicited by us! I strongly suggest you get one of your own. I could loan you ours, but sadly, I wouldn't be able to get the computer or wireless network to work without it....